That's a picture of Copenhagen, because I felt like it.
Anyway, in case you couldn’t tell, this whole blog thing lost its
appeal for me, for two reasons:
1. I got bored. I already write for an unresponsive
audience, it’s called my journal, and in there I don’t have to edit or sensor
myself or worry that I am offending anyone.
2. As I have said before, things here in Germany didn’t
exactly go to plan (not that I ever really had a plan to begin with), and that
kind of put a damper on the naive ideas that I had about what I would spend my
year doing/writing about.
So this may very well be my final, “farewell” post, I
haven’t decided yet. Either way, I wanted to cover a few things before I leave
both this blog and Hamburg.
Back in August I thought I knew what it meant to leave
everything behind and start over somewhere new and unfamiliar. I had done it
when I moved to Boston, and to a certain degree both times when I studied
abroad. Turns out I was wrong.
If I am being entirely honest, these past nine months kicked
my ass.
And I’m not going to go into details because I’m tired of
overthinking it and no one needs/wants to hear about it and I’m sure that the few people
closest to me who have heard about it
are tired of hearing about it too. The main point is that I always preach about
the importance of going outside of your comfort zone, and this past year I went
so far outside of my comfort zone that there were times I wasn’t sure that I
would make it out in one piece.
But the good news is that I will make it out in one piece,
for several reasons:
1. Writing – If I hadn’t filled six journals and counting, I
would have lost my damn mind. Keeping my thoughts straight and tracking my
progress helped me to maintain my sanity, and I am not joking in the slightest
here.
2. The kindness of random strangers – I can’t tell you how
many random people, be it a receptionist at a hostel, a woman at an expat
meeting, or a new co-worker, offered advice, or company, or concern. These
people, even though they don’t know it, helped me in more ways than they know,
and helped restore my dwindling faith in humanity.
3. My strength – This will probably sound egotistical, but I
don’t give a shit. This isn’t the first time that I have had to try to extract
something good from a bad situation. I am constantly reminded that although
there have been countless times in my life when I could have given up, I always
refuse to do so, and I am always stronger for it.
4. My family – I am amazed by how wonderful these people
are. My family offered unwavering support and sympathy. They would Skype me
into family dinners where everyone was being too loud to hold a real
conversation, which meant it felt like being right back at home. They sent me
cards and postcards (and tried to send me a Christmas present, but we all know
how well that worked out). My mother came the whole way to Europe for the first
time to visit me. My dad sent me encouraging messages via Words with
Friends (in between messages making fun of me for losing). My sister (and
better half) would talk to me at all hours of the day, no matter what ridiculous
thing I was stressing over. My family may be the most insane group of people
that I know, but they are my insane
group of people and no one else can have them.
5. My friends – There are the European friends who
graciously hosted me, the wonderful friends who visited me, the new friends who
kept me distracted and entertained, the old friends that I reconnected with,
and, of course, my best friend (I am honestly surprised that she is still
talking to me/I haven’t scared her off yet. HI HILLARY). They all made this year
bearable.
Without those things, I would have given up, simple as that.
And I don’t want anyone to read this and think, “Oh god, she had a really bad
year, maybe moving to Europe/Germany/Hamburg is a bad idea. Maybe doing a
Fulbright Teaching Assistantship is a bad idea. Maybe going outside of my
comfort zone is a bad idea” etc., etc. My experience here is singularly my own,
and it is in no way going to deter me from traveling, or moving abroad, or
making poorly thought out decisions, or suggesting to any student that I come
across that they should apply for a Fulbright and/or study abroad program. My
tale should not be a cautionary one, it’s just a fact of life; sometimes things
work out, and sometimes shit happens. And when shit does happen you tend to
find out what you’re made of, and what is really important to you, and who
really matters in your life.
So like I said, this may be my last post. In less than a
month I am done with my teaching assistantship, then I am going on a two week
European adventure with some of my favorite people in the entire world, and
then I am heading back to Boston.
And if you’re still reading this, kudos to you for making it
through my ramblings, and again, I hope you guys were able to take something
away from this blogging attempt of mine. As usual I would love
messages/comments with thoughts, otherwise I will talk to you guys later.
