Warning: this is a real rambly one (and I have just decided that "rambly" is a word)

As I am off to Munich on Friday for Oktoberfest (and I am not going to have any fun and I am not going to drink any beer. None. None beers. Hahahahaha who am I kidding, bring it on Oktoberfest), I figured this post should be a little early.

I have been in Hamburg for a month now. How strange. I am finally feeling more settled in, I now have a German cell phone (oh god, I’ve become one of those people who have multiple phones, just like Man-Whore-Pete-From-My-Jet Blue-Flight, but that’s a story for another day), I have visited a concentration camp (why do I feel that this is some dark and sinister, but necessary, rite of passage for being in Germany?), I have figured out how to handle the whole trash/paper/recycling situation in my apartment (as well as the washer, and holy shit I didn't realize how amazing it is to have a washer in your apartment where you can wash your clothes for free. Whenever you feel like it. Does this mean I will no longer own a month’s worth of underwear and put off doing laundry until the last minute? Nope, not by a long shot), and I am continuing to ride the struggle bus that is my understanding of the German language (case in point: when sitting in a park reading, let’s say you are approached by a cute German guy who has set up his tripod and is taking pictures of the park. Cute German Guy gestures towards his camera and tripod and goes off on a tangent about said camera/tripod, then asks about the book that you are reading, and tries to make conversation. Do you a) try to get by with your limited German, but generally make the best of it, b) say very politely that you don’t understand what he just said but you hope that he speaks a little English because damn he’s cute and judging by the excess of photography gear you’d have lots to talk about, or c) look like a deer caught in headlights, nod a lot, giggle, smile, pretend to understand, and then say goodbye and extract yourself from the situation, only to realize a few minutes later that three weeks without normal social interaction was starting to take its toll, and shit, you had really handled that situation poorly).

Anyway.

To fuel my love of lists, and celebrate my first month here, I shall now elaborate on what I love about Hamburg so far, what I miss about Boston, and what I do not miss about Boston:

Things I love about Hamburg

1. The fact that there are so many gardens here that it never has that city smell; it just smells like fresh air and fallen leaves (I may or may not be freaking out innocent bystanders by taking really deep breaths of the fresh air. Whatever Germans, maybe I really like breathing enthusiastically okay?)

2. Their public transit, which is remarkably fast and efficient (my only qualm is that paying for tickets is based on an honor system. And I have only seen the transit police once in the month that I’ve been here, and this is really testing my ability to be a good person/law abiding citizen. It’s like they are daring me to try to use their delightful public transportation for free) (They aren't daring me. And with my luck the first time I try to use the bus sans ticket will be the time the transit police show up and then they’ll handcuff me and I will probably cry. The End).

3. The food (GUYS THEY LIKE SAUERKRAUT AS MUCH AS I DO), the beer, and my local grocery store Sky, which I like to call “The Holy Grail of Grocery Stores”, because I’m pretty sure it’s the best grocery store ever.

Things I miss about Boston

1. David’s Tea, Thai food from A @ Time, shawerma from Garlic ‘n Lemons, all of the vegan baked goods from Fomu, and my daily Arizona iced tea and Sabra hummus at work (also Pop Tarts. For some reason I really want Pop Tarts.)

2. My daily walk to and from Seaport to Park Street (my daily walk to and from school here involves too many shops and grocery stores for me to get distracted by. “Oh sorry I’m late for work guys, I stopped to get tea and then accidentally went grocery shopping and then bought a bejeweled skull and a house plant”) (Just kidding, I can’t buy a houseplant, I would kill it. I do have an orchid in my room, but I’ve been told that those are hard to kill. Challenge accepted) (Also, there is actually a housewares store on my way to school that is selling a bejeweled skull. And I kind of want it).

3. My friends and my cat (who is currently in a cone of shame. My cat, not my friends. Although a few of them could use a cone of shame every once in a while. I LOVE AND MISS YOU GUYS THOUGH), and all of the hipsters in Allston (I have yet to find the part of Hamburg inhabited by pierced, tattooed peoples who play multiple musical instruments, wear beanie hats, and sometimes walk their dog while riding a skateboard).

Things I don’t miss about Boston

1. The green line/Boston’s public transportation in general (Let’s talk about the German public transportation again for a hot second. The buses come every five minutes. Every. Five. Minutes. Sometimes they even come early, which I didn't even know was a possibility. Also I have yet to encounter as many crazies as the green line has. For instance, no one has been flinging sherbet around and then starting fistfights and then making out with their “pregnant” lesbian girlfriend. But again, that’s a story for another day).

2. Working retail (‘Nuff said).

3. The onslaught of college students/youths overtaking the city (I’m talking to you, BU students who get on the T at Pleasant Street and then get off at BU Central. JUST WALK TEN MINUTES LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING).

And there we have it. Congrats to whoever is still reading this, but I did warn you that there was going to be a lot of rambling nonsense and parentheses. At least I am a woman of my word.

(We will end this with more parentheses, because I read somewhere that blog posts should only be like 700 words because people get bored and won’t read it, but there are lists here, so I feel like it doesn't count. Also I used enough italics and unnecessary caps lock that I figured I would hold your attention for a while. Next time I am going to attempt to add pictures!)

And now I'm gonna tell it like it is...

So having read a bunch of travel blogs recently, I thought that maybe I should write a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: This is not going to be a normal travel blog. If you are expecting a play by play of my daily life in Germany, it’s not gonna happen (no one needs to know what I am doing every single day for almost a year). If you are expecting detailed descriptions of all of the food that I eat, it’s not gonna happen (no one needs to know the amount of beer I have been drinking and the number of bags of German candy I have demolished). And if you are expecting touristy photos of me posing in front of famous monuments, it’s also not gonna happen (and not just because I have yet to figure out how to post pictures).

Here’s what you should expect:

1. Descriptions of the funny, weird, awkward, and stupid stuff that will inevitably happen to me.

2. The occasional post about vegan/dairy-free food and restaurants, since gorging myself on the local butter-and-milk filled delicacies is sadly not going to be a thing.

3. Artsy fartsy photos because I’m into that sort of shit (very much amused myself by adding “fartsy” to my dictionary just now).

4. Long rambling parentheticals and possible footnotes.

And 5. An honest and frank description of what it is like to leave your job, friends, family, and life behind and start all over in a foreign country, and some insight into why I travel, why I am interested in education, and so on and so forth, blah, blah, blah.

Long story short, this isn't going to be some cheerful, optimistic travel itinerary. I’m going tell it like it really is, because apparently I’m on some kind of weird streak this year where I have upped my brutal honesty a notch to “has no secrets and tells no lies”.

So prepare yourselves. It’s gonna get real.

(P.S. Also as an afterthought, if anyone ever has any questions that they want me to answer or write about, feel free to comment here, Facebook message me, etc, etc.)

Now, having said all of that, here is the real deal. I have been in Germany for three weeks now, and yes, I have done some pretty cool stuff so far, but being here has by no means been easy. I am now slightly stranded here in Hamburg as I wait for my debit card to arrive to replace the one that was compromised (which I found out about an hour before I left the United States), my German is sub-par and when I attempt to speak it the Germans have a habit of just switching to English and not even trying to teach/humor me, I have destroyed two pairs of headphones in two weeks (don’t ask), I accidentally dyed all of my bras blue (again, don’t ask), I have no friends here, the school that I work at is slightly frustrating (it’s all teenage boys…youths…cue eye roll), I probably will not get paid for another month-month and a half, I am still not used to the German obsession with keeping their doors closed (I have been informed repeatedly that it is not because they are rude/angry, they just like having their doors closed all of the time…weird) and obeying traffic laws, and all of this is amplified by the fact that I am alone in a foreign country.

But you know what? I’m going to be okay. I know that this is just the tricky part, the adjusting part, the part that I have never been good at. I know that the next stage, when I start to settle in and make an actual life for myself and build a happy existence, that stage will be amazing. Not many people get the opportunity to experience something like this, and I can either resist it and it will happen anyway while I hide in the corner in denial, or I can embrace it and adapt to my current situation.

And let me tell you, as soon as my debit card gets here and I have money, I’m gonna go out and “embrace it” and “adapt” by taking myself out for dinner and more German beer.

Tschuss!

A new segment that I like to call “Odd conversations that I have had with Germans”

 My teacher, after we grabbed lunch together, “May I invite you?”

Me, “I’m sorry?”

Teacher, “May I invite you?”

Me, “To what?”

Teacher, “Lunch! Can I pay for your lunch?”

Me, “Ohhhhh, uh, yes, thank you”

(still not sure what got lost in translation there)

My roommate, after I told him I lived in Boston, “Weren’t there terrorist attacks there?”

Me, “Uhh, yes, the marathon bombings”

Him, “Are they seeking the death penalty?”

Me, “Um, I don’t know if they have the death penalty in Massachusetts” (fyi, Mass does not have the death penalty)

Him, “…some of the 9/11 terrorists were from Hamburg”

Me, “Uhh, wow, um, I didn’t know that…good to know”

(My German professor wasn’t kidding, Germans really don’t do small talk)

A random guy on the street who approached me (keep in mind the entire conversation was in German), “Are you from Hamburg?”

Me, “No…”

Him, “I just had to stop you because I find you very attractive and I had to say hello”

Me, “Uhh…thank you?”

Him (grabbing my hand and shaking it for an awkwardly long time, all while counting out the number of times he was shaking my hand), “Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, sechs, sieben…”

Me, nodding and trying to pull my hand away and extract myself from the situation, “Uh huh…”

Him, pulling me closer to him and continuing to hold my hand, “…(something fast and in German that I wasn’t able to understand)…”

Me, shaking my head no, “Nope, nope, gotta go”

Him, finally letting go of my hand, “Ciao!”

(I don’t even know what to say about this conversation)

One of the rowdier classes at my school, who interrogated me on the first day, “How old are you?”

Me, “23”

Them, “Have you ever been to L.A.?”

Me, “No…”

Them, “Have you ever been to Las Vegas?”

Me, “Well I was in the airport once…”

Them, “Is alcohol cheaper here than it is in the U.S.?”

Me, “YES”

Them, “Do you like German beer?”

Me, “YES”

Them, “Do you have Jewish ancestry?”

Me, “Umm…no”

Them, “What is the difference between American English and British English?”

Me, “Well British English sounds a whole lot better…”

(and then they proceeded to argue about who was going to take me out and show me the Hamburg nightlife)

My other roommate and her friends, upon discovering that I have a dairy allergy, “So…no milk?”

Me, “Nope”

Them, “…no butter?”

Me, “Nope”

Them, “…not even if it’s been cooked?”

Me, “Uhh… no”

Them, shaking their heads in disbelief and shock, “…no milk…”

(while they do understand the concept of a dairy allergy, Germans seem to see it as a huge life tragedy, which means I spend a lot of time saying things like, “Oh, it’s not that bad! It could be worse, it could be a soy allergy or a wheat allergy!”)

Week One, in which I encounter troubles with the language barrier and then make myself feel better by buying food

What Germans mean when they say “Oh my English isn’t very good”: “Well I might have a bit of an accent, but otherwise my English is damn near perfect”.

What I mean when I say “Oh my German isn’t very good”: “No, guys, really, it’s not good. Like, I understand about half of what you are saying…and you’re still trying because you think I actually understand…okay…I’m just gonna nod. Nodding seems good. Yes, yes, I totally know what’s going on…wait, what?”

I have been in Hamburg for over a week now, not including the four days that I was in Cologne for orientation (which was an experience which can best be summed up in a message that I sent to my sister, which went something like “SWEET BABY JESUS GET ME OUT OF HERE”), and I can say that while my German is adequate for touristy things such as “How much does this cost?”, “Thank you”, “Excuse me”, and ordering food (which is the only thing that matters really), for actually living in Hamburg it is not so good. When taking two years of college level German, you tend not to concern yourself with the kind of vocabulary that could enable you to open a bank account, get a residency permit, and convey to your fellow teachers that you are not, in fact, an actual idiot. Instead, you memorize colors, kinds of clothing, food (which I’m not mad about because, as I said, it’s really the only thing that matters), and the past tense (WHY WOULD I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO SAY THINGS IN THE PAST IF I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER HOW TO SAY THEM IN THE PRESENT), none of which proves to be helpful when you are trying to tell someone that you have an appointment at 12:30 and they are looking at you like you have satanic horns and a pitchfork.

Having said that, Germans are the nicest. Seriously, they are so polite, and blonde, and smiley, and every other phrase out of their mouths is “Danke schon” and “Tschuss” and “Hallo!!” And, as my roommate told me the first night that I was in Hamburg, “Germans like to drink always”, meaning that they are my kind of people.

However…they don’t jaywalk. Someone warned me about this beforehand, and I brushed it off, thinking, oh sure, a whole city of people who obey traffic laws, yeah right.

Yeah. Right.

And then I got to a crosswalk, and observed the other pedestrians…who waited, oh so patiently while there were absolutely no cars coming, for what felt like an eternity, for the crosswalk light to turn green. This has proven to be a frustrating daily struggle for me, as I went from living in the middle of nowhere, where I could probably take a nap in the middle of the street if I really wanted to, to living in Boston, where four years of city living taught me to become freakishly good at predicting traffic lights and dodging oncoming vehicles (and I only once almost got hit by a bus). So now I stand on the sidewalk, shifting impatiently from foot to foot and glancing around to check for cops and figure out if I can just make a run for it.

Aside from reluctantly becoming a law abiding pedestrian for perhaps the first time in my life, I have been enjoying myself immensely thus far. I have been scoping out every (vegan) restaurant and grocery store in my area (if you think that I’m joking I am not. I have hit up no less than five different grocery stores in the past week. Food is my life guys), taking tons of pictures (and I just bought a 32 GB media card today, so now I should be set for the rest of the year/my life), and, of course, window shopping. This coming week I will be at my school a little bit more, and I am sure I will have plenty of stories involving life in the classroom after that. In the meantime, I miss you guys, and feel free to message me if you want more stories.