Misery Loves Company

Guys, I’m gonna warn you right now, this post is not going to be a fun, lighthearted one.

All summer long, before I left for Germany, I kept having this recurring thought that they had made a mistake in choosing me to teach. Turns out I was wrong about that part. But unfortunately it seems like a mistake has been made, just in my school placement.

I have made very few people aware of my current situation, partially because it is kind of a touchy subject, and partially because it is not the answer that people are looking for when they ask “How are things going in Hamburg?”

So, how are things going in Hamburg? Hamburg is great, Hamburg I love, but “things”, I’m afraid, are not really going as well as I had hoped they would.

“Things” are going like this: on November 13^th I sent an email requesting that I be able to transfer schools. They obviously wanted to know why, and so I had to explain that I felt that I was no longer working in a comfortable or safe environment, as I was being verbally sexually harassed by the students on a daily basis.

On. A. Daily. Basis.

Let’s get one thing straight; I put up with a lot of shit in general, and I put up with a lot of shit from men. I am tough. But this? This constant whistling and catcalling and kissy noises and little comments? In my place of work, where ideally I would like to feel confident and secure, but at the very least just ignored and left in peace? After almost 3 months it has just become too much.

And at first after sending that email I was almost ashamed. Ashamed because I was letting it get to me. Ashamed because I was giving up, I was letting them win. And ashamed because I felt like this meant that I couldn't do this simple job, like I had failed my one task.

Until I realized several things:

I realized that I possess the capability to do anything. I can continue to work at this school if I choose to. But what I have realized is that it is not just what I can do, but what I can do while maintaining both my sanity and my happiness. I can count on one hand the number of days that I left the school in a good mood, and I am just not okay with living like that, in Germany or the U.S. for that matter.

And I realized that working at this school was causing me more stress and misery than it was happiness and willingness to cultivate cultural exchange. I couldn't focus on learning about the vocational school system, because I was too busy trying to ensure that my students wouldn't sexually harass me on the way to class. I couldn't think of ways to make learning English fun for them, because I was trying to plan my bathroom breaks around their class schedules so that I didn't see any of them in the halls. I couldn't get excited about going to class in the mornings, because I was too busy putting on layer after layer of clothing, just to make sure that quite literally not an inch of skin was showing, only to have it not make a difference anyway. And I didn't leave school in the afternoons feeling accomplished and pleased with the day’s work, because about once a week I left almost in tears because I felt like I was nothing more than some pretty-but-useless trophy for them to admire in English class.

So can you imagine me explaining all of this to someone who quite innocently asked me how things were going in Hamburg? All of this hasn't made things easy by any means, but it has definitely made me question how we view and handle sexual harassment, not just in the U.S. but just generally as human beings. It hurts to feel that I might not able to complete my contract at this school simply because I am a girl in a male-dominated environment. The two previous teaching assistants were both men, and they seemed to have no problems, but when I, a female, tried to do exactly the same job that they had done, I was not given the same treatment or respect, and that really hurts.

So now, I wait. I wait to hear back from the powers that be, and see if I will be able to transfer to a different school. And I suck at waiting. Case in point, I was actually going to wait until I heard back from them to post this, but I got impatient and so now we can all wait together.

Shit My Students Say...

“Why aren't you married yet?”

Student: “Stoltzfus is a hobbit from the book The Hobbit” Me: “So I’ve heard! But I’m not a hobbit” Student “NO you’re not a hobbit, you’re too beautiful”

“Do you know any movie stars?”

"Do you have a boyfriend in America?"

A note that was handed to me after class ended: “If you would like to make some party on the weekend text me on Facebook. If you want to learn some stuff over Hamburg! Make some friends. Have a nice trip. Nice to meet ya.”

“American English sounds sexier than British English”

Every time the teacher introduces me as Alethea Stoltzfus, they all go “Stoltzfus?!?!” and then they mutter among themselves until someone works up the courage to ask me if my name is German (one kid did figure out that my first name is Greek, which was quite impressive)

Student: “What are your hobbies?” Me: “I like to read” Student: “We are plumbers, we can’t read”

“In America are people brown or white?”

“You are the first American I’ve ever met…can I hug you?”

“Do you have a black boyfriend?”

“Do you know Tupac?”

“How old are you?”

"Where do they make parties in Boston?"

“Why are you so skinny?”

A picture is worth a thousand words

So I have been doing a very poor job of keeping up with this, partially because things have been pretty quiet around here the past few weeks, and partially because of things that are still in progress and which I will explain soon if all goes well. In the meantime the holiday season has started, and so here are some pictures of the Hamburg Winter Dom until I can write a real post.

The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem...

I have a confession to make:

I am a workaholic.

Actually, that’s not much of a confession. Anyone who knows me is aware of this fact. I have had anywhere from 1-4 jobs at a time since I was 15. These jobs ranged from scooping ice cream at a mini golf course, to tutoring college students, to a plethora of retail jobs (women’s/junior’s clothing, kids clothing, men’s clothing, jewelry, accessories, perfume, shoes, I’ve done it all), to working at a produce stand (and spending my time husking corn at 6 am, cutting brussels sprouts for hours on end, and hacking at fruit with large knives [probably not the best job for me to have to be honest]), to ushering for shows at Suffolk University. One time I was hired to help open a “5 Below” in my hometown, and I got paid almost $300 to work one five hour shift (I’m still convinced that they made some mistake there, but they most certainly aren't getting their money back).

My point being that while I don’t always like working, I have always had this need to stay busy and keep myself constantly occupied while not in school (and even while in school too), and for most of my life work has fulfilled that need.

Until now.

I am working 12 hours a week on average. Under the conditions of my contract I am only allowed to work 12 hours a week on average. I quite literally cannot remember the last time when I had only 12 hours of my week filled up with something. I worked while I was in high school, and filled up my time in college with not only classes, but multiple jobs, students groups, etc.

And then I came here, and wondered why I felt restless, cranky, and, to be honest, kind of unhappy. It didn't make sense to me at first, because here I am, living in Germany, traveling, meeting new people, and doing so many of the things that I love most in life. I told myself that I should be over the moon with happiness. But then I realized that I also have more free time than I have had since I was a kid, and I really don’t know what to do with myself. It has nothing to do with being in a new country and trying to make a new life, etc. It has everything to do with the fact that for the first time in a long time, with the exception of those 12 hours a week, my life is entirely my own. I don’t have classes. I don’t have (very many) responsibilities. I don’t have deadlines, schedules, meetings, or restrictions really.

And while this is all exhilarating and fantastic, it is also slightly daunting. What do you do when your life is not defined by being a student or by your work? What do you do when you are given the opportunity to actually do what you want to do with your life?

What would you do?