Why it’s good that moving to Germany to teach English has taught me that I neither want to teach English nor live in Germany

This time last week I was at home in Pennsylvania, curled up on my couch with a fever of 102, as my family kept their distance while providing me with copious amounts of hot tea, chicken soup, and a variety of cold medicines.

To say that I was not expecting to spend my Christmas vacation that way would be an understatement. I was expecting a quiet Christmas in which I spent some time with my teacher from my old school, read an obscene number of books, cursed the horrible German weather, and generally avoided thinking about the fact that it was the holidays and I wasn't home with my family where I wanted to be.

Instead of doing all of that, on Christmas Eve my mom texted me and asked if I wanted to come home, and, long story short, I ended up doing just that, and it was exactly what I needed, and here’s the reason why. First, and most obvious of all, I missed my family, but perhaps the more pressing issue was that I needed some perspective on my situation, because here’s the deal:

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany.

This seems to be happening quite a lot since I arrived here, but this one was kind of big. Huge. Massive even. I don’t know exactly what provoked it, but suddenly I just realized that:

a) Germany was not for me

b) Teaching was not for me

and c) I was pretty sure that deep down I had already known both of those facts long before I had arrived in Hamburg.

But Alethea, you say, you applied to this prestigious program so that you could teach English in Germany for ten months. And now you’re saying that you never wanted it?!

Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying. And at first my main thought was, “Wow, I’m an idiot, why did I do this?”

Except that I’m not an idiot. I would never have known for sure that I didn't want to live in Germany unless I moved to Germany to try it out. I would never have known for sure that I definitely didn't want to teach unless I had gotten a contract to teach for almost a year. Had I stayed put in Boston I wouldn't have figured these things out.

My second thought was, “Well, now what?

Now I enjoy the rest of my time here and try to make the most of it. Now, once again, I rethink what it is I want to do with my life and where exactly I want to do it. Already I have a pretty good idea of what I should be doing and where I want to be doing it, but who knows what life will throw at me in the next six and a half months? It has already been amazing adventure and it’s not even halfway over yet.

(To be entirely honest I’ve been putting this off /pondering how to write about this for a while, because I feel like it’s kind of a touchy subject and I didn't want to, I dunno, offend anyone. First of all, the whole thing made me feel like because I wasn't in love with Germany and because I didn't unearth a deep undying passion for teaching that I had somehow failed. I also didn't want to be that person who was “ungrateful” for an amazing experience that they’d been given, or for it to sound like I was complaining about my situation. I am in no way ungrateful for this experience, and I am in no way complaining. After all, I got myself into this mess, and I am still going to get something out of it and put something into it, but it has simply not been quite what I imagined. And I did promise to tell the truth about my experience here, so there it is).

(On a more pleasant note, my new school is absolutely amazing and I love it there. More about that at a later date).