Reverse culture shock and also pictures of a cemetery (I swear the two aren't related though)

Today’s weather forecast: rain and clouds with a chance of IF I DON’T SEE THE SUN SOON I’M GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY.

That’s not actually what I want to write about today, I just needed to get that out.

What I actually wanted to talk about is reverse culture shock, otherwise known as re-entry, which is when you return from being abroad and are adjusting to being back in your own culture and country. The past month or so I’ve been listening to these podcasts from Small Planet Studio about re-entry and different aspects of international education and global living, and it has really made me think about my experiences with this subject (check them out, they’re amazing:

 http://www.smallplanetstudio.com) .

When I returned from studying abroad for a month in 2009 I had no idea what reverse culture shock was. The program that I went with told us nothing about it, and so upon my return, when I sunk into a serious bout of depression that lasted for months, I had no idea what was going on. Why did no one want to hear my fabulous stories? Why did I feel so restless and stuck and irritable? Why did I feel that the best part of my life was clearly over and it was all downhill from here and at 18 I might as well just accept sweet death now? I dealt with these problems by not dealing with them (hello denial, my old friend), and instead threw myself into work and applying for college, and eventually my troubles subsided.

Then in 2012 I decided to go for round two when I studied abroad in Italy. This time it was a little bit different; during our (mandatory) study abroad pre-departure meeting in December the subject of re-entry was briefly mentioned and that was that (“Yeah so this thing called reverse culture shock is a thing. And it might happen to you. So…yeah.”) (also I was sick and on a lot of Day-Quil during that meeting so I don’t think anything they told me really registered). When I returned to the U.S. in May I thought I was handling things better by both throwing myself into work (again) and realizing that no one wanted to hear how much wine I had consumed in Rome or how many different flavors of gelato I had tried in Florence or that one time that I celebrated my 21^st birthday at Carnivale in Venice.

But it turns out that I was wrong, I was not handling things better, because when I went back to school that fall I felt so out of place and disconnected. I had been away from Boston and school for nine months, and I felt like everything had changed and I had changed, and I didn't know where I fit in anymore. My school didn't offer much in the way of help for returning study abroad students, but luckily I had friends who were going through the same thing (sorry but also thanks guys), and by commiserating (and wine) we managed to get through it.

And now here I am, abroad for the third time, and wondering how I will handle my eventual return to the U.S. equipped with this new knowledge.

Because here’s the thing; you can’t expect to go back and have things be the same. “Things” won’t be the same because you aren't the same. You can’t go back to your old life because essentially it isn't there anymore. You've got to build a new life, and that’s the part that I am excited for.

So here is my question (because I am genuinely curious about this), for my friends or anyone else who has ever studied, traveled, lived, or worked abroad: how did you handle reverse culture shock? Did you know it existed? How did it make you feel? For example, did you want to punch someone and then hop on the next plane back to Italy like I did? What advice would you give to people who are going through it/what worked for you?

Update: the sun came out for a little while today. Crisis averted, I don’t need to kill anyone anymore (FOR NOW).

Why it’s good that moving to Germany to teach English has taught me that I neither want to teach English nor live in Germany

This time last week I was at home in Pennsylvania, curled up on my couch with a fever of 102, as my family kept their distance while providing me with copious amounts of hot tea, chicken soup, and a variety of cold medicines.

To say that I was not expecting to spend my Christmas vacation that way would be an understatement. I was expecting a quiet Christmas in which I spent some time with my teacher from my old school, read an obscene number of books, cursed the horrible German weather, and generally avoided thinking about the fact that it was the holidays and I wasn't home with my family where I wanted to be.

Instead of doing all of that, on Christmas Eve my mom texted me and asked if I wanted to come home, and, long story short, I ended up doing just that, and it was exactly what I needed, and here’s the reason why. First, and most obvious of all, I missed my family, but perhaps the more pressing issue was that I needed some perspective on my situation, because here’s the deal:

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany.

This seems to be happening quite a lot since I arrived here, but this one was kind of big. Huge. Massive even. I don’t know exactly what provoked it, but suddenly I just realized that:

a) Germany was not for me

b) Teaching was not for me

and c) I was pretty sure that deep down I had already known both of those facts long before I had arrived in Hamburg.

But Alethea, you say, you applied to this prestigious program so that you could teach English in Germany for ten months. And now you’re saying that you never wanted it?!

Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying. And at first my main thought was, “Wow, I’m an idiot, why did I do this?”

Except that I’m not an idiot. I would never have known for sure that I didn't want to live in Germany unless I moved to Germany to try it out. I would never have known for sure that I definitely didn't want to teach unless I had gotten a contract to teach for almost a year. Had I stayed put in Boston I wouldn't have figured these things out.

My second thought was, “Well, now what?

Now I enjoy the rest of my time here and try to make the most of it. Now, once again, I rethink what it is I want to do with my life and where exactly I want to do it. Already I have a pretty good idea of what I should be doing and where I want to be doing it, but who knows what life will throw at me in the next six and a half months? It has already been amazing adventure and it’s not even halfway over yet.

(To be entirely honest I’ve been putting this off /pondering how to write about this for a while, because I feel like it’s kind of a touchy subject and I didn't want to, I dunno, offend anyone. First of all, the whole thing made me feel like because I wasn't in love with Germany and because I didn't unearth a deep undying passion for teaching that I had somehow failed. I also didn't want to be that person who was “ungrateful” for an amazing experience that they’d been given, or for it to sound like I was complaining about my situation. I am in no way ungrateful for this experience, and I am in no way complaining. After all, I got myself into this mess, and I am still going to get something out of it and put something into it, but it has simply not been quite what I imagined. And I did promise to tell the truth about my experience here, so there it is).

(On a more pleasant note, my new school is absolutely amazing and I love it there. More about that at a later date).

How to enjoy traveling if you’re kind of a cranky asshole and sometimes you loathe humanity

So here’s the deal; I am what I like to call an antisocial extrovert. This means that I have no problem talking to people, I am (usually) very friendly and polite, and for the most part I would rather be around people instead of being alone, except for one little thing. Generally speaking I dislike people. They annoy me. There are just so many of them, and they’re so loud and…annoying. So how does this translate into my new life, where I am not surrounded by the usual carefully screened group of people that I actually like? Here are a few tips that I have collected from years of both traveling and being cantankerous.

1. Headphones are your best friend. Headphones can drown out screaming children on airplanes, groups of drunk people on trains, and idiotic roommates in hostels.

2. Learn to be okay with traveling alone (think about it; you can do whatever you want and no one else is there to bother you).

3. You will probably want to avoid large groups of people in general, unless they are very good friends (for example any kind of orientation or party will probably give you rage).

4. Understand that it might be difficult for you to make friends immediately, because people are super annoying and usually you have to be nice to them at first otherwise they get “offended” and think you’re being “rude” or “inappropriate”.

5. Alcohol makes (most) people slightly less annoying (also for those of you who, like me, frequently experience the phenomenon known as “hanger”, you might want to make sure you eat often).

6. Make sure to keep in touch with that special group of people that you actually enjoy being around. Make plans to travel with them, since there’s less of a chance of you wanting to murder them on a trip.

7. Get used to filtering yourself and keeping your snarkiness a bit more under control than usual (this is actually a lot harder than it sounds).

8. And when you do find new friends who share your affinity for crankiness, hold on to them, and by hold on to them I mean make fun of their shoes and call them names, because that’s how you roll.

Disclaimer to people who are reading this who don’t know me: I’m not being serious here guys. Sarcasm, you know? I don’t actually hate people. I’m friendly, I like people!

Disclaimer to people who do know me: You know I’m serious, you've heard me say how much I hate people. You've heard me say that we need a new kind of plague that targets annoying people (reason #1764329 why I am going to hell).

Thank god it's Friday

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t have a lot to say today, but I do have good news and bad news.

Let’s start with the bad news.

The bad news is that I got my ass kicked this week by a really bad case of homesickness/being fed up with everything/hating everyone, and then DHL/Deustche Post decided that they may or may not be sending my Christmas present from my family back to America (Merry Christmas to you too, German postal service). Also I finally paid (most of) the deposit for my apartment, which means that I have 8 euro in my bank account until I get paid at the end of the month, however that hasn’t stopped me from buying plenty of gluhwein and Haribo Christmas candy.

But, blinding irrational rage and homesickness aside, I do actually have some fantastic news. As of last Wednesday I am no longer at the “problem” school, and my new school is a match made in heaven. It is more of a business vocational school, where they are studying shipping, tourism, and travel, which is right up my alley. The students are well behaved, have a high level of English, and, unlike at my other school, I don’t feel like they are going to steal anything of mine if I leave it lying around. I’m mostly just observing classes right now to get a feel for how they do things here, but I can already tell that this school is a much better fit for me. So big sigh of relief for getting my work problems resolved, and in other good news I just made Oreo brownies to celebrate this week being over.

That’s all for now folks, please enjoy the rest of these pictures of fireworks from the Winter Dom! 

  

                          

List Time!

So I have been here for three months (HOW IS IT DECEMBER ALREADY), and it’s time for some more lists (and recent photos from a freezing trip to Planen und Blomen):

Things I miss about Boston/the U.S.

1. Friday nights in Allston, aka me and my best friend getting drunk, watching Disney movies, and painting our nails (Nail art is my drunk skill. I once did French tips free hand while drunk, and that takes mad skills guys).

2. The ability to go to the grocery store once a month and buy food in bulk (I don’t need the temptation of going to the grocery store several times a week, it just isn't good for my bank account or my health).

3. My family. They are bat-shit crazy but I love and miss them.

Things I don’t miss about Boston/the U.S.

1. Nope, still don’t miss working retail.

2. Nope, still don’t miss the embodiment of frustration and torture that is the green line.

3. Nope, definitely didn't miss working 12-16 hours on Black Friday and hating life and loathing humanity.

Things I love about Hamburg/Germany

1. The Central library here in Hamburg, because it is huge and amazing and has a giant section of English books, which should fulfill my bookworm needs while I am here.

2. The Germans seem to love Christmas just as much as (if not more than) Americans, and started decorating for it right after Halloween, and the Christmas markets just started up and I am so excited. It’s like a winter wonderland up in this bitch, minus the snow.

3. How welcoming the expat community has been. I’ve joined several expats groups, among them a book club and two photography clubs, and I have realized how amazing it is to be surrounded by people who not only share your interests, but also can relate to the experience of being an expat.

Things I’m not liking about Hamburg/Germany so far

1. The German language is actually really hard in practice. Also I have given up on ever being able to roll my r’s. My mouth just simply doesn't want to make that sound, sorry guys.

2. Obviously school/teaching has not been going particularly well, but I am meeting with someone this week to discuss the situation, so hopefully all goes well.

3. The impending cold grey winter that everyone keeps talking about (not that Boston’s winters are better, but you get my point). Gonna need to find something to occupy myself with when it's all dark and miserable this winter!

Misery Loves Company

Guys, I’m gonna warn you right now, this post is not going to be a fun, lighthearted one.

All summer long, before I left for Germany, I kept having this recurring thought that they had made a mistake in choosing me to teach. Turns out I was wrong about that part. But unfortunately it seems like a mistake has been made, just in my school placement.

I have made very few people aware of my current situation, partially because it is kind of a touchy subject, and partially because it is not the answer that people are looking for when they ask “How are things going in Hamburg?”

So, how are things going in Hamburg? Hamburg is great, Hamburg I love, but “things”, I’m afraid, are not really going as well as I had hoped they would.

“Things” are going like this: on November 13^th I sent an email requesting that I be able to transfer schools. They obviously wanted to know why, and so I had to explain that I felt that I was no longer working in a comfortable or safe environment, as I was being verbally sexually harassed by the students on a daily basis.

On. A. Daily. Basis.

Let’s get one thing straight; I put up with a lot of shit in general, and I put up with a lot of shit from men. I am tough. But this? This constant whistling and catcalling and kissy noises and little comments? In my place of work, where ideally I would like to feel confident and secure, but at the very least just ignored and left in peace? After almost 3 months it has just become too much.

And at first after sending that email I was almost ashamed. Ashamed because I was letting it get to me. Ashamed because I was giving up, I was letting them win. And ashamed because I felt like this meant that I couldn't do this simple job, like I had failed my one task.

Until I realized several things:

I realized that I possess the capability to do anything. I can continue to work at this school if I choose to. But what I have realized is that it is not just what I can do, but what I can do while maintaining both my sanity and my happiness. I can count on one hand the number of days that I left the school in a good mood, and I am just not okay with living like that, in Germany or the U.S. for that matter.

And I realized that working at this school was causing me more stress and misery than it was happiness and willingness to cultivate cultural exchange. I couldn't focus on learning about the vocational school system, because I was too busy trying to ensure that my students wouldn't sexually harass me on the way to class. I couldn't think of ways to make learning English fun for them, because I was trying to plan my bathroom breaks around their class schedules so that I didn't see any of them in the halls. I couldn't get excited about going to class in the mornings, because I was too busy putting on layer after layer of clothing, just to make sure that quite literally not an inch of skin was showing, only to have it not make a difference anyway. And I didn't leave school in the afternoons feeling accomplished and pleased with the day’s work, because about once a week I left almost in tears because I felt like I was nothing more than some pretty-but-useless trophy for them to admire in English class.

So can you imagine me explaining all of this to someone who quite innocently asked me how things were going in Hamburg? All of this hasn't made things easy by any means, but it has definitely made me question how we view and handle sexual harassment, not just in the U.S. but just generally as human beings. It hurts to feel that I might not able to complete my contract at this school simply because I am a girl in a male-dominated environment. The two previous teaching assistants were both men, and they seemed to have no problems, but when I, a female, tried to do exactly the same job that they had done, I was not given the same treatment or respect, and that really hurts.

So now, I wait. I wait to hear back from the powers that be, and see if I will be able to transfer to a different school. And I suck at waiting. Case in point, I was actually going to wait until I heard back from them to post this, but I got impatient and so now we can all wait together.

Shit My Students Say...

“Why aren't you married yet?”

Student: “Stoltzfus is a hobbit from the book The Hobbit” Me: “So I’ve heard! But I’m not a hobbit” Student “NO you’re not a hobbit, you’re too beautiful”

“Do you know any movie stars?”

"Do you have a boyfriend in America?"

A note that was handed to me after class ended: “If you would like to make some party on the weekend text me on Facebook. If you want to learn some stuff over Hamburg! Make some friends. Have a nice trip. Nice to meet ya.”

“American English sounds sexier than British English”

Every time the teacher introduces me as Alethea Stoltzfus, they all go “Stoltzfus?!?!” and then they mutter among themselves until someone works up the courage to ask me if my name is German (one kid did figure out that my first name is Greek, which was quite impressive)

Student: “What are your hobbies?” Me: “I like to read” Student: “We are plumbers, we can’t read”

“In America are people brown or white?”

“You are the first American I’ve ever met…can I hug you?”

“Do you have a black boyfriend?”

“Do you know Tupac?”

“How old are you?”

"Where do they make parties in Boston?"

“Why are you so skinny?”